Self-Reflection: When the Mirror Points Back at You- Part 2

Assessing your life and standards is part of evolving and maturing. Thinking beyond the surface level about the impact you’re having is a responsibility in my opinion. I for one was surprised how reflecting about an encounter helped me realize how I was showing up, needed some realignment.

A few years ago, I ended up working on a podcast project — and of all people — my ex-fiancé from 12 years prior was involved. Mind you, I’m happily married at this point, going on 9 years. He wasn’t a co-host or anything — just helping with the technical side of things for the host. That meant we had to communicate from time to time.

Then one day, in walks his wife — unannounced, uninvited, and clearly annoyed. The whole vibe instantly shifted. The atmosphere turned tense and uncomfortable. It was obvious there had to be some kind of misunderstanding on her part, because the displeasure was blatant. She sat in on the discussion, but every time I opened my mouth, she’d cut me off or make a snarky side comment.

When I say the tension was palpable — oh my! I didn’t respond but the host pulled me to the side afterwards and said she noticed it and even offered to confront her on my behalf. I didn’t want to make things more awkward, so I declined the host's offer.

However, I left offended and in my feelings. My thoughts were firing off: Why is she coming at me like I want her man? I’ve done nothing to make her feel threatened. I’m married with four kids, and I haven’t seen nor spoken to this man in over a decade. Not interested in the slightest! Rude! Ridiculous!

Sure, I’ve stayed in touch with his sisters over the years— they’ve babysat my kids, or we’ve hung out here and there — but never with him present or involved. We were all just living our own separate lives.

After a couple of days of mentally replaying it, I realized I was getting too preoccupied — so I did what I usually do: I dumped it all out in my journal, in a letter to the Lord. Most of my journal entries are addressed to Him. It’s the best way I know how to cast my cares — especially since I don’t always know how to verbalize what I’m feeling. Writing helps me clear my head and get things out of my system.

Every detail was being written out:  How her energy bothered me, how her words stung, how her misplaced anger was silly to me. How I didn’t appreciate her trying to intimidate me etc. But as I kept writing, something started to shift. My emotions started to lift, and some memories came flooding back:

I remembered how, at my wedding ten years ago, my wonderful hubby decided to invite a girl who everyone knew used to have a crush on him. By the time of the wedding, they were just buddies, and I hadn’t known about the past connection. When I found out after the fact, I was annoyed. I brought it up several times. I couldn’t wrap my head around why he thought it made sense to invite someone he had a “past” with. I mean… really? To make things even more hilarious-slash-ick (for me at least), she caught the bouquet at our wedding and later married a man with the exact same last name as my husband!

I remembered the heat in my chest every time she was around. How territorial I felt. And this was over someone who merely had a crush on my husband — not someone he’d been engaged to like in my podcast situation.

Wow. Now stay with me.

How could I not have compassion for this woman, who probably didn’t know how to navigate her husband being in contact with someone he was once engaged to? I hadn’t been in her shoes to that extent and still felt all those emotions. Then it hit me: “You would have done the same thing.” That had to have been the Lord speaking to me because it gave me so much clarity. It was humbling.

We don’t have a natural affinity to self-reflect. It’s an intentional discipline and practice. Our characters are our responsibility and if we allow God to direct and thereby mold us we become more pleasing in this sight. He is the Refiner.

I had some attitude adjusting to do. I realized I hadn’t been treating her how I would want to be treated if roles were reversed. I had avoided her a bit. I didn’t greet her warmly. It was coming across wrong. Without any real conversation, little things can grow into big misunderstandings. As I reflected on the entire situation — and my own behavior — it all clicked. God helped me to understand. I knew He was putting the ball in my court to smooth things out.

Moving forward with understanding, I reached out to her. We had a conversation, woman to woman. I apologized for not treating her the way I would’ve wanted to be treated, especially in such a weird dynamic. I shared that I could understand where she was coming from — and to my surprise, she opened up. She admitted she felt overshadowed and even a bit robbed of bonding time with her new family. From that point on, we were able to build a cordial, respectful relationship. We chose peace.

Self-reflection will do that.

It takes you from “How dare she?”  to “I get it now.” From “She was wrong.” to “I wasn’t completely right, either.” It gives you a mirror — that may point at you and your misalignment. The spinach in the teeth of your soul sort-of-speak.

I encourage you to not shy away from that pruning. Just like for a rose bush the cut promotes growth. We all have a “why”, and mine is to be the woman God made me to be. To reflect Christ in all I do.

Slow down, ask God to search your heart, and be honest with yourself. The greatest tool of self-reflection is the Word of God. I encourage you to read it. Cheers to growth!

Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts. They do not compromise with evil, and they walk only in his paths. You have charged us to keep your commandments carefully. Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect your decrees! Then I will not be ashamed when I compare my life with your commands. As I learn your righteous regulations, I will thank you by living as I should! Psalms 119:1-7, 9