Do You like what You see?

~ By Faresha

The most challenging part of writing the blog was narrowing down what to share as it relates to self-reflection. Truth be told, self-reflection permeates every aspect of my life and is really applicable to nearly every situation. Do I talk about my experiences as a friend? As a daughter? As a nurse? While there are many stories I can pull from, I think the perspective that has been most challenging for me comes from my experience as a wife. So, I guess I gotta let y'all in my business and explain how God (gently) hurt my little feelings by flipping the script on what I THOUGHT self-reflection was by showing me what self-reflection IS. Listen, nobody can get you together like God!

So...here we go.

This year my husband and I will be celebrating 20 years of marriage. I'd be telling a lie if I said all 20 years have been wedded bliss. Nope. Many of those years, especially in the beginning, have been hit or miss. Spiritual attacks we faced early on were so brutal that we, ok, well I, almost called it quits a time or two...or five. But who's counting? I remember a period of time when we were separated (physically, not legally). Well, wait, let's back up to what led to the separation. You know that state of being called "one accord?' Yeah....we couldn't find it. I was on my accord, and he was on his. And the two accords were not in sync. This led to a lot of tension, anger, frustration and hostility in the household. It was emotionally draining.

After every disagreement, I would go somewhere alone and take time to do a little self-reflection. And that is exactly what I did-reflected on SELF. It was all about me. What I did right (versus what he did wrong); how he could've/should've said this or handled that; how I was the victim and deserved vindication. Right then and there. Eventually a physical separation took place, and I spent some time at my parents’ house. One day I was sitting on the edge of my bed, planning to proceed with filing for a divorce. At that moment, the voice of Holy Spirit interrupted my plans with one question: Who told you to do that? No answer was needed. That's how God works. He'll ask a rhetorical question and let it marinate. Now, though He wasn't expecting an answer, that question triggered something in me that would forever change my understanding of self-reflection.

You see, as I said before, self-reflection used to be about me. If I had to face something offensive I had said or done, the very next thought would be to deflect my reaction back to the action and justify why the action warranted my reaction. And therefore, I would tell anyone without hesitation, "Well I didn't do anything wrong!" And anyone who told me I was wrong probably got the cold shoulder because their reflection of me didn't align with my reflection of me. I didn't know it then, but that stance was birthed out of hurt. It was a stance of self-protection, self-preservation and self-defense. And until I allowed God to heal me from things that were done and said to me (from childhood), I would continue to look at my reflection through a shattered mirror.

Fast forward years later, my idea of self-reflection has changed tremendously. It's no longer about me. It not a question of me looking in the mirror (internally) and asking myself if I like what I see, it's about looking in my spiritual mirror (the Bible) and asking God: do You like what You see? God reminded me that I am made in His image and His likeness and so whenever I self-reflect, I should reflect Him. Whew! That's a hard pill to swallow. Whenever my husband and I get "into it" and I'm ready to pull out "all the reasons I'm right" receipts, Holy Spirit taps me on the shoulder and says, "Here's your pill." Now sometimes, I wanna say, " Why don't you give him the pill? " But I know the answer-He's trying to perfect my reflection. He's trying to ripen my Fruit. All of them!!! Instead of self-reflection ('cause self can be a mess!), I call it spirit-reflection, fruit inspection, or heart checks. I don't want to see mySELF and honestly, I don't want others to see mySELF either, because depending on the day, time, if I've eaten or whether I'm sleepy...I can't guarantee which part of mySELF you might see!

I have a group of trusted sister/friends who hold me accountable because they all use the same spiritual mirror as I do. In the event that I am having a moment where I can't see clearly, they can. I simply call and say, "I need a heart check." We talk it through and they point out anything I did, or said, that did not reflect Him. Unlike years before, my stance is no longer self-preservation, self-protection or self-defense. Instead, it's the same stance David took in Psalm 139:23-24 when he said: "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." That's true self-reflection.

There are plenty of opportunities God gives us daily to self-reflect. Believe it or not, it's a process I welcome. And I can tell you this, marriage has offered PLENTY of such opportunities! But each opportunity presents a blemish (or two) that God wants to expose in my SELF (not in my husband-like I initially thought). Listen, I didn't know how many blemishes I had until I said "I do." Neither did I understand how, or why, God would use my marriage to reveal every blemish hidden by my deceitful heart. He doesn't want to expose them to condemn me; His exposing them gives me the opportunity, called grace, to take my bottle of Windex, spray it on my blemish and wipe until it's clean, because ultimately, He is coming back for a Bride without spot, wrinkle or blemish.

It's not about winning an argument; it's not about being vindicated; it's about my desire to hear Him say "Yes" when I stand before Him and ask: Do You like what You see?