Self-Reflection: When the Mirror Points Back at You - Part 1

~ By Amelia

Self-reflection, to me, is about checking my ways — how I treat people, how I handle situations, and how I carry myself through life. It’s about getting the beams out of my own eye, before I go pointing out someone else’s. It means practicing integrity with myself — being honest about where I’m falling short and taking accountability even when no one’s looking. It’s also about being the change I want to see in the world. Not in a cute, cliche kind of way, but in the real life, uncomfortable, “let me humble myself” kind of way.  

Sometimes, an opportunity for self-reflection slaps you right across the face in the middle of your day. Here’s an example of what I mean:

I had been assigned a large workload, and I was a bit overwhelmed with it. Our office was going through a lot of changes, and everyone was maybe a bit stressed. We are permitted to ask for assistance when we’re too swamped, so finally I decided to ask my boss if I could get some help. Mind you — I never asked for help. I usually just juggle it all somehow.

Well… he didn’t take too kindly to the request.                                                                   

Instead of a conversation or a simple "no," he sent an email that was clearly not meant for me — and in it, he expressed how annoyed he was that I even asked. His email was quite disparaging and basically said I needed to carry my weight more and he felt I was getting lazy. Excuse me? To make matters worse, not only did he send this email to another supervisor but also a few of my peers! Clearly, I was accidentally cc’d.

Whew. I could feel the heat rise from my stomach to my chest!

I was embarrassed. I was angry. I was honestly shocked by the level of unprofessionalism. I sat there staring at the screen in disbelief. Why not just say no? Why go and talk about me instead of talking to me? So, I hit reply and said, “All you had to do was say no." I wanted him to know I had received the email. He didn’t have to honor my request but being messy was a whole different story to me.

A few minutes later he tried to call me, but I wasn’t in the space to talk just yet. I needed a moment. I had to step away, breathe and process my emotions before I reacted in a way I would regret. And as I did… I started to reflect. God didn’t wait to bring something to my attention.

Wait a minute…Haven’t there been times when I’ve been upset about something someone did and vented about it to a friend? Haven’t I let my frustration slip out in the form of not-so-loving words?

I dare to admit — yes. I’ve ranted in anger. I’ve said things in private that I would never want the person I was talking about to hear. I’ve had those moments. The only difference is… in this situation, it just so happened that the message got back to me.

So how could I judge him more harshly than I judge myself?

I had to extend the same grace I give myself to someone else. Who am I to act like I’m above anyone? I’m not better than anybody. And when I really thought about it, I realized — he had the same right to vent and express himself that I do. That truth softened me. So, I breathed it out and went back to work.

Later when he emailed me to apologize, I didn’t make it a big thing. I simply told him, “We’ve all had moments where we needed to vent and wouldn’t have wanted anyone to know or hear it in its unrefined state. You have a right to your opinion. So, it’s okay. Let’s move forward.” He said he respected how I handled it and would like to move forward as well. And that was that.

Each circumstance is not the same, if he had been a consistently disparaging boss I would have probably had HR on speed-dial - but what I learned in that moment was this: Self-reflection gives us a chance to pause. To really think about what we’re doing, how we’re showing up, and how we’re treating other people. Are we being fair in our evaluation of people and their actions? But it also gives us the opportunity to extend grace. To give people the benefit of the doubt — not because they earned it, but because we’ve needed it too.